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I have never been one to hold things in when they needed to be said, but I can honestly say that this, what I'm about to type, has been in my head and never spoken from my lips.

I am the type of person that when something is better than what I have, I stew over it, I ruminate, and I obsess. Case in point, my ex, whom I had been with for over a year, then broke it off with in February, has an amazing family. Not in the sense that they are perfect people, but they are the kind of family you wish your own would be. They have family get togethers, they go out to the bars together, they have parties, outings, and reunions. I have never been apart of a family that did anything like that, let alone a family to even accept me for who I am. I am in the type of family that brushes all the shit under the rug, and never pulls the rug back up to deal with it. Everyone lives in different towns, or states, and no one gets together. I can honestly say that I yearn for that, I ache for that type of connection with someone who is my blood relative. Yes, they have their problems, but they are always there for each other.

Take me and my sister; we are 3 years apart and I am back at home living with mom, and she has a husband who she's known since they were in kindergarten, a 4 year old daughter, her own home, a brand new car, and everything is pretty perfect in her life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my sister, but we have never been close. I take that back, we were close when we were planning on how to move out of dad's house to live with mom forever. But, nevertheless, it's nothing like my ex and his sister. They are 2 years apart and go out together, hang out, drink, go to parties, and all that.

I'm starting to sound really whiney, but I don't know how to just accept the things that I don't have and appreciate the things I do. I have an amazing mother, a great job, a nice car, and rent free living. I want more! I want love! I want a great guy! I want to live on my own! I yearn for the day when I can just sit back and say 'I accomplished everything I wanted, and now I am finally content.' I hoenstly do not think this will ever happen.

Jealousy.. It rears its ugly head so close to mine and just feeds me shit that I really don't need to hear. I have even tried medication to help with my anxiety and depersonalization, but nothing seems to be helping! I feel like a prisoner in my own head. Like I will never be satisfied, I will never be fulfilled, I will never stop wanting more.

Honestly, the more honest I am with myself, the more hopeless I feel. I know that I need to think more positive, to turn my mindset around, but I don't know how. If medication can't help alter my thinking, what the hell can? No, I'm not suicidal, I'm too scared to even think about what could possibly be on the other side that I would never shorten my stay on this earth to find out, but I am on an endless hamster wheel of trying and trying and trying.

Maybe it's the weather.. I usually get a little more depressed in the winter time, but I can't say the same for last winter because I was living on my own, and yes, we did have a hellish winter, but I was happy where I was with life. Me and the ex were still dating, living together in our 1 bedroom apartment with his dog, and we were content. But, if it weren't for him, I probably would've been pretty miserable.

Whoever reads my sob stories, please, I beg of you, give me some advice on how to help with this. Exercise, classes, anything that helped you get through this shit. Anything that could possibly be a reminder that everyone wants for more, I'm normal, and I'm not a horrible person for 'wishing' for a different family would be much appreciated..

Thank you, and goodnight.
Tags:
Where I am:
my moms house..
How I feel:
overwhelmed
Rhythm to my heart:
silence
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I watched this episode of HIMYM a couple weeks ago and it still pops up into my mind from time to time, and just watched a video on YouTube that made me think of the episode yet again.

It's weird how you date someone for so long, almost like you take a class on them, know their ticks, their habits, their dislikes and likes. Once that relationship ends, god forbid it does, that information you have come to known, is useless. There's not going to be a pop quiz on what their favorite color is, or what their all time favorite song is. That information that you spent a year, 2 or even 10 years learning is just useless knowledge that takes up space in your brain.

I have been in probably 3 real relationships in my life, spanning from 5 years, 2 years, and 1 year. I have spend almost a decade learning about these people, and they aren't in my life anymore, I am currently single.

The things that I have learned are so different. Most things are about the same because I have a "type," everyone does. I have learned that out of the 3 relationships, 2 of them were so damaging to me that I don't know if I can ever meet a good person, who will actually love me for me. These relationships made me doubt who I am, change who I was, and put up with things I didn't think were right.

This can be stemmed back to my father, who never really cared about my feelings. He would make me feel like my style, my personality, my words, were wrong. I always bit my tongue for as long as I could, and when I no longer could, it always came out as hate, and rage. Unfortunately, I have not spoken to my dad in almost 2 months. I came to my breaking point one day and said some mean and hurtful things, but I stand by what I say. I did apologize, but not for what I said, but in the context of how I said it. I knew it was wrong to say it over the phone, but we never see each other face-to-face anymore.

Anyways, my friend recently pointed it out that I tend to go for males that represent my father. They are emotionally cold, hard to read, great manipulators, and males who think I need to change in some shape. I always thought there was something wrong with me, the way I am, the way I think, talk, carry myself, and who I associate with. I have recently came to the realization that it's not ME.

I am not the one to blame. No, I don't want to come across as always right, but I do want to come across as strong, and to remind myself of who I truly am. If someone doesn't like me for who I am, they can screw themselves.

What is the point in changing everything about yourself to make someone else happy? For one, you aren't being you, and secondly, your true self will eventually poke through and you'll have to consciously shove it back down. It might come out as rage, anger, anxiety, depression.. That's what I experienced. I know now that doing exactly that is what caused my depression, anxiety, and rage. I do have other problems in my life, but they are mine alone to deal with, no one else's.

I am at the point in my life where I do want to find the right guy who likes how weird I am, how I am OCD about the place I live, how ambitious I am in being successful, how I can be too serious sometimes, but I can be a blast when I let loose.

I found out that I am an excellent painter and people actually want to buy my artwork. I never thought in a million years that I would be selling paintings that I had done with my own 2 hands. It's an amazing feeling.. And I'm just getting started. There are many different things I want to try, experiment with, get involved with. I am so excited about my future, and this is probably the first time I have been excited and a guy wasn't the culprit.

Pray, think about, or just send your happy thoughts towards me.. I am finally figuring out who Erica really is.. 
Where I am:
my smile
How I feel:
excited excited
Rhythm to my heart:
hey there, delilah
* * *
It's funny the things you realize the older you get, and the lonelier you are. Just recently thrown back into the single life, I have realized so many things about myself, and it's only been 4 days..

I've realized that the last person I dated, I spent all of my time with them and their family. Now that they are out of my life, I am alone on a Friday night, not doing anything with anyone. I have realized that I have played the victim card all my life, and became very comfortable with it. I realized that I'm not a faithful friend, and that's why I don't have many friends in my life anymore. I have realized that all of the guy friends I have in my life, I have slept with. I realized that I will never be ok with my body, and maybe I'll accept that one day.

As far as the victim card, I really have no idea how to stop that. It has kind of been ingrained into my brain that misery loves company, and I was in need of company..

I want to enjoy life. I want to go on adventures. I want to have fun. I want to be messy. I want to own a dog. I want to work somewhere that I don't have to deal with people all the time. I want to wake up when my alarm goes off. I want to get day drunk and not be ashamed of it. I want to have extra money to buy my friends drinks and not worry about running out of money.

I want so much in my life, but haven't really done anything to make my life any better. It's a little sad, but it's eye opening at the same time. From this point on, I am going to do my best to try and make my life what I really want it to be.

Wish me luck.
Where I am:
home
How I feel:
shakey
Rhythm to my heart:
how i met your mother soundtrack
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( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
How I feel:
Super Confused
Rhythm to my heart:
The Avett Brothers - Head Full of Doubt
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First, I would like to thank you all for reading this, even though none of you probably will make it all the way through, let alone, read the first sentence. This letter to you is for me, to help me let go of any unresolved issues I still have revolving my life. Since I can't just pinpoint one thing that all of you have done, I am going to give a message to each of you who have hurt me in some way, shape, or form. I know this sounds a little stupid, but if it'll help me to move on with my life and throw these skeletons out of my closet, then fuck it, I'm going through with it. Let's start from the beginning...

Karl - You were probably the one that made me into the weird girl that I am now. I can't really be mad at you anymore because when we were together, it was so long ago, we were so young.. But, I got mad at you for some reason (I know the reason, but don't want to admit it to the world), and you left me for it. That's probably where my insecurities came from. We were very into each other and I loved being around you, but it all started and ended so fast. I tried to get people to hate you, but no one listened to me, and I eventually gave up.. Now I know how immature that was, and hope that this will help me move on.

Jake - Wow, what a long history to hash out. I have livejournal posts about you dated years ago.. The Maverick and the Princess.. That sums us up. You were my everything and I gave EVERYTHING to you. I paid your bills, bailed you out of bad situations, gave up friends for you, got into trouble for you, lied for you, and all because I was so infatuated with the way you made me feel in the bedroom. Even thinking about you, all I can envision in my head are sex scenes.. The cheating, the lying, the breaking up, and the making up. Honestly, if there was one relationship in my life that I could take back, it would be with you. You made me doubt my intuition, and made me out to be a sex toy. All I was to you was a pleasure stick.. You would get what you wanted from me, and after about a "good" 2 weeks, you would be gone again. After you, I felt so insecure about everything I did. I didn't know what I wanted from life because YOU were my life. I would've severed off my right arm to be with you, and all you did was treat me like shit. You chose girls that treated you like shit over me, who would've gladly given you the world. But, I did learn something.. In the whole time that I was with you, I wasn't myself, and I gave up all of my dreams, and I will never let that happen to me ever again, even though I have no idea what my dreams are right now, I will sure as hell figure out what they are, and go for them. I will learn how to trust my intuition again, I will NOT take back anyone who cheats on me, I will not tolerate being played like a game, I will not be at anyone's beckon call, and I won't give up anyone in my life to be with someone. You taught me everything I don't want in a man. And I thank you for that.

Brandon - I was your mistress, for over 2 years. I'm not sure why I did it, maybe it was the rush, knowing that we weren't supposed to be together because you were married, AND you were my platoon sergeant. Maybe it was the fact that you would do anything for me, and still love me. I took advantage of you so many times, but you also took advantage of me as well because you were going through bankruptcy.. It was a take and take relationship. We both were fragile, and I guess I took hold of the pants and forced them on myself. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, but, keeping me a secret messed me up even more than I ever imagined it would. I always thought it would be easy to get over you because I was in control the whole time we were "together," but it is really hard. Not really the getting over you, but the getting over the fact that you were such a sweet man, and you still were cheating on your wife with me. And I can't believe that we let it go on as long as it did. Well, thanks for showing me that I was worthless, and I was worth hiding from the world, because that really helped boost my confidence after what Mr. Jakey did to me. Anyways, the lesson I will take away from this is to never date a married man, regardless if he's separated or not, and to never be kept a secret. I am a gem, and I should've been treated as such, not taken to bars no one would see us at, or not going somewhere because you knew people would be there that knew you.

These were the major "relationships" in my life. It felt good to get it all out there, even if only a few are able to read them. I know that at this moment, right at this second, I am feeling strong. I feel like I will be able to be strong in the future, and no one will be able to bring me down unless I let them. I am in control of myself, and if I don't want something, or if I do, I should be honest and upfront about it. No more beating around the bush, no more tip-toeing around certain subjects because I don't know how to say something, I just need to get it out there in the universe, and hope that I get the outcome that I need in my life. What's the point in living if you don't go for what you want?
How I feel:
strong
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* * *
We decided to do this 30 day thing, and I was ok with it. Wouldn't that make us still technically something to each other? One would think so, but you go and talk to the one person I didn't want you to talk to when we were together. I know you say that we aren't together anymore, and you don't want me to think that we are just yet, but telling me that we're probably, more than likely, going to get back together, then talk to her right after we split up, that kind of throws up a red flag...

You slept with her twice in the "friendship" that you've had with her, and after every break-up, you guys seem to be friends again. It's like you can't be friends with her if you have a gf just in case you two get blacked out drunk and go at it with each other. I understand it hasn't happened in years, but it has happened, and obviously you think she's attractive or else you wouldn't have slept with her in the first place, drunk or not. And to top it off, your sister tells me that she used to be head over heels in-love with you, but you didn't feel that way toward her.. How does that make a friendship last? How does that make her feel? She's just going to keep being your friend until one day you think, hey, I've been friends with her for so many years, why not try dating her? I don't know why this bugs me so much, and I haven't told you this, but it really does bug me.

The fact that you told me that I wasn't allowed to get mad at you talking to her, because god knows you wouldn't have done it if we were still together, and living under the same roof, makes me really angry. We hang out almost every day since we broke up, started these 30 days, and now you're getting my hopes up that we will probably get back together, and talking about the cruise coming up.. It's hard to wrap my head around all of this.

We were together for 1 year and 1 month, and I barely know anything about you, I feel. Maybe you're right, and I never listen to you, but ever since you told me that I don't want to hear about your ex, you don't tell me anything. You were with her for 11 months, and all you can talk about are the trips you took, "our apartment," and it makes me mad that you're STILL talking about it after we've been together for a year, plus the year that you guys were broken up before we started dating. Maybe you're not over her, and maybe I was right to break up with you...

But I miss you every day, and I want to be with you all the time.. You're like my "hard-to-get" gem, and I just want to have you and keep you to myself. That might not be healthy to say about another human being, but that's the way I feel.

I'm angry, upset, sad, scared, and flustered all in one.

Should I confront you yet again about it, or let it go?
How I feel:
upset
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I'm making a list of everything I love about him to remind myself, if I ever feel upset, or we just got into a fight, that I'll have it forever to remind me of why I am with him..

1. He put up with my baggage
2. He kisses me every morning before he leaves for work and tells me he loves me
3. He gives me space if I am angry
4. He taught me how to golf
5. He makes me smile and laugh
6. He keeps me entertained
7. He has never been unfaithful
8. He is honest
9. He loves me even when I'm mean to him
10. He buys me things even when he doesnt' really have the money because he knows it makes me happy
11. He dresses up to take me out to dinner
12. He stays in with me when I don't want to go anywhere
13. He takes care of me when I'm sick
14. He makes me dinner
15. He tries so hard to help me around the apartment
16. He makes me think about a future with him
17. His family likes me
18. He has a healthy relationship with his family
19. He breaks me out of my shell
20. He makes me try new things
21. He has sing-offs with me in the car on a long drive
22. He likes to have long drives with me
23. He wants to get fit with me
24. He consoles me when I'm sad
25. He's realistic
26. He's wise beyond his years
27. He tells me he loves me at least once a day
28. He says happy anniversary every year
29. He has weird, wacky conversations with me
30. He wants to go on trips with me
31. He makes me feel safe
32. He makes me want to better myself

I want to go on, but it's so hard right now. I will finish this when we get back together and make new memories together..
How I feel:
sad sad
* * *
Let's start before I met him.

I had just ended things with my platoon Sergeant because he was still married, going through a divorce, and we were still sneaking around. It was punishable if anyone important in the military found out that me and him were dating. I didn't end it because of that, I ended it more because I was bored, and he was smothering me. Also, I was sick of being the other woman, and scared that if he could cheat on his WIFE with another woman, who's to say he wouldn't cheat on me if we ever got together? Needless to say, I ended it when I cheated on him with my ex, but he surprisingly was ok with it, so I had to do it the even harder way and just tell him to go away. It was a bit hard on him, but my heart was ice cold and I called him a stalker, defriended him on facebook, and tried to go on with my life. I had the world on my finger, and I was spinning it so fast, then it all came to a crashing halt.

After ending things with the Sergeant, I was hoping that me and my ex would get back together but, like the idiot I am, he was the same old ex. So, after crying my eyes out yet again for this douchebag, I finally was ok with being single.

I would spend my nights studying my ass off for a major I was no longer interested in, and never really went out with my friends. I was actually happy, and ok with being alone in my little one bedroom apartment.

One night, my friend convinced me to go to the Neon one cold, crisp January night. I was having alot of fun, seeing friends and drinking, things I hadn't done for a long time.

Suddenly, I saw a guy through my half-drunken haze.. He was smiling, scruffy, and the cutest guy I had seen in a long time. He was surrounded by a group of guys I went to high school with, so I asked one for his name. Needless to say, he embarrassed me, and I dashed my pearly whites, threw out my hand and said "hi, my name is Erica." We drank and talked for the rest of the night, and he ended hitching a ride with me and my friend. After I dropped my friend off, I thought to myself, wow, I'm actually going to take a guy home from a bar.. I felt like a slut, but kind of vowed that I wouldn't sleep with a stranger.

We ended up talking all night about everything under the sun. He looked told me about his heritage, Indian, my favorite, and shared his interests, things about his family, and himself. We then started looking at my Netflix list and when he saw that I had Good Will Hunting on my list, he lunged at me with his lips. I gladly accepted, and that was when I was hooked. We ended up talking all night, and into the early morning. We both layed down in bed for maybe an hour and I took him back to his car after a long, and kind of awkward drive back to the Neon. We exchanged numbers, and lips again, and he promised he would call after work.

Ever since that night, we saw each other every day. Made it official 3 days after we met, and confirmed it by a sweaty romp around in my bed shortly after that. It seemed too good to be true, but we just couldn't get enough of each other.

After a couple of weeks, we both confessed that we were falling for each other, and we were scared but excited at the same time. So, now the word "love" was out in the open, and made us even more crazy about each other.

After about 3 months, I had to go away for my week training for the military and kind of started thinking about my Sergeant ex while away. He was there the whole time, and I couldn't help but reminesce about our past together. I felt bad for the way I had treated him, and admitted to myself for having feelings for him to my friend back home. She understood, and I felt bad for having feeling for my ex, and once I came home, I decided I wasn't going to tell my bf about it. He found the texts and almost left me. I was devastated over the fact that I might lose him, so I apologized, cried, and begged him to stay with me. He agreed, but he still was a little on edge, and it came out when he drank. Now, I would still get my car worked on by my ex, and he obviously wasn't ok with that since I had talked to my ex about some problems with my bf involving drinking, and violent words and whatnot. I knew it was wrong to still get my car done by him, but I defended the fact that it was much cheaper to get my car worked on by my ex than at a shop, and stopped it at that. After a couple more fights about my ex, I finally told my bf that I would just stop getting my car worked on by my ex, and meant it.

After that fight, I found so many different reasons to complain. We had moved in by then because his aunt was having her house foreclosed on and he lived with her, so he had to figure out a place to live. I suggested that he move in because he lived so far away and I wanted to spend every waking moment with him anyways, so why not live together? This was after about 5 months of dating. He was the first bf I had ever lived with, and I was scared, but also excited, so we both decided to give it a try.

Back to the complaining.. I complained that he never replaced the empty tp roll, he never picked up after himself, that his clothes were everywhere in the apartment, I always fed his dog, and I just nit picked everything that he did. I blamed it on his age and that it would get better when he got older, but I was just kidding myself. I was hoping that if things got a little better, that he helped me with cooking, cleaning, and picking up, that I would be happy. Oh, how wrong was I? Even after he did those things, I found more reasons to complain.

I complained that we never had sex, and his defense was that he didn't want to have sex with someone who was always mean, and I never understood that because I was always down to get down. I thought that since we had sex so much in the beginning of our relationship, and we weren't now, there was something wrong that he just wasn't sharing with me.

As the days went on... my stress and complaining got worse. I would complain to my co-workers, my friends, my mom. I would exaggerate everything to make him look like he wasn't pleasing me, intimately, or emotionally. It was my own blinders that I didn't realize were on, and I was only focusing in on the negative.

I mean, there were things that bugged me that were relevant, the fact that I paid for everything, which wasn't necessarily his fault, because he didn't make as much as me, and I always insisted I cover him, be it food, a movie, or whatnot.. But, other things bugged me, the fact that he wouldn't have sex with me, wouldn't cuddle with me, looked on apps on his phone at every chance, ignoring me, and the list could go on.

As the months went on, the more unhappy I felt. The more unhappy I felt, the more I couldn't explain it to him. I always told him how unhappy I was, and he really was trying his hardest to try and please me, I just didn't know what else he could do to make me happy.. I had no idea.

So now we come to only a couple of days ago.. I find the courage after being unhappy for so long, and break it off. He didn't look upset, but just sat there in silence, and I knew he wasn't a big emotion shower, but I could feel how sad he felt. I decided to stay at my friends house, and we drank wine and talked about how good of a decision it was that I made. The next day, I went to class, came home, and he was here. He told me his mom would be there in a couple minutes to help load his stuff up to move into her place. I actually helped, and then once he was gone, it hit me.

I was never going to have weird conversations with him, I was never going to have football Sundays at his moms house, I wasn't going on the family cruise that I was included on, I wasn't going to feel his touch every again, I wasn't going to be able to kiss him ever again, see him smile, laugh, tickle me, fart, play with his dog, ever again. I wasn't going to grow old with him.

After he came back the next day to get a few more things, it was obvious I had been crying for hours and he looked surprised. I told him this was a mistake and I wanted him back. He told me that we needed to do this because I was unhappy enough to break it off in the first place, there must be something wrong between us. He had no idea HOW unhappy I was.. I kept telling him I was unhappy, but never realized how worthless it made him feel because it was telling him he couldn't make me happy.

So, since I was the one that he wanted to be with, he devised this idea to spend 30 days to figure things out. We were broken up, but we would still be able to think about things, then go from there after the 30 days.

Even after all of the complaining, all the fights, all the bullshit, I still want to be with him, and I realized it after I lost him. I hope he realizes that after these 30 days, now 27..

All I need to do is stop crying, and hope that the man I set free comes back to me, because then I'll know it's true..
How I feel:
hopeful hopeful
* * *
There comes a time when you just can't ignore the feelings in your stomach, especially when it's making noises like Chewbacca. I've had stomach aches from eating too much food, hell I've had stomach aches from not eating, but I have never been sick to my stomach like I have been since I've been in a relationship. Everything he does scares me. I'm so afraid to lose control of what he's doing that I worry myself sick. I know I can't control another person, but when he's with me, I know what he's doing and who he isn't doing. Now, don't get me wrong, in the 9 months that we've been together, he has never been unfaithful, but my past haunts me. I need a cleanse to take away all of the hurt from my past. It feels like I have this gunk inside me, and it's plastered so strong that nothing can penetrate it, and drive it out.

Maybe it's good that I'm in this relationship right now. He has been placed in my life to clean the gunk out, to make me push myself to my limits and let him venture out while I try to cope with my crazy, controlling self. I shouldn't be in control of anothers life, that isn't natural. Even if I had a child, I would hope that I wouldn't smother it, or confine it from the world, to experience life, the good and the bad.

I guess in a way I feel like it's wrong for a couple to be separate on a Friday night. I talked myself (and him) into going out with his friends, who, by the way, have dates. But I guess I didn't want what happened last weekend to happen again this weekend. I don't want him to threaten to leave because all of his issues come out when he's been drinking heavily. Either way, he will have to come home at some point tonight/tomorrow, and he will either be happy or angry. It's a lose lose situation for me though. If I go out with him and I don't have a good time, I will damper his good time. But, if I go out and have a good time, he might possibly get too drunk, and we might get into a huge fight.

Honestly, truly, I have no idea why I feel the way that I do right now. I'm writing this entry to try and get my words out of my head to try and make some sense of it all but ultimately, I'm confusing the hell out of myself.

Reasons why I fight with him are that we don't spend enough "quality" time together, but then he challenges that we spend all of our time together outside of work or school or other obligations. I see quality time as talking, laughing, having sex, cuddling, some kind of physical contact. I also fight with the fact that he can't handle his alcohol. Too many times to count, he has gotten mean, or verbally abusive after he's either mixed his beer with shots, or when he's just passed the point of no return in number of beers he inhales. I have tried to help him in seeing if he just drinks beers if it will be ok, or if he slows down a bit, but his solution is to just quit drinking. He's 23 years old, obviously he's not going to quit drinking, and I don't want to be the reason why he doesn't drink anymore. I know what it's like to be young, and he's freshly 23, so he hasn't even gotten to the good parts, hell, I haven't even gotten to the good parts. But, I just feel like he caves and tries to find the easiest solutions to these problems we have because 1. we will stop fighting, 2. it'll ease my mind, for awhile, 3. it's hard to try and work at something you have a problem with, and 4. no one wants to admit they have a problem. Both me and him have had drinking problems, and he complains that I drink slowly. I sarcastically apologize and tell him that I like to savor the taste. I do not drink to get drunk anymore. For some odd reason, that switch was flipped and I started enjoying hard ciders that appeal to my pallet, not the percentage of alcohol to see how fast I'll get drunk. I don't like to feel that helpless. We also fight about intimacy. He believes that intimacy is more like having an in-depth conversation, or getting to know someone on a personal level, and I agree, it is very attractive to know their flaws, past, and fears, but there's also a reason why we are attracted to each other. If we can cohabitat in the same apartment, and don't have sex, or some kind of intimacy, ever so often (more than he wants), we move from a relationship to a friendship. To me, that's where it could be headed, but he doesn't see that. I love the feel of his body on mine, his lips on my skin, and everything about having sex with him just makes me want him that much more. That is what brings me closer to him. Now, I will say, when we first got together, we connected on both levels, but more recently, it seems like we haven't connected on either levels in a long time. It's either that we have nothing more to talk about, the sex has become mundane, or (he also mentioned) that he doesn't want to be intimate with me if we are fighting, and we've been doing alot of the lately. Either way, I want to fix it.

I could probably go another 500 words explaining what else we fight about, but I'm not sure what good it will do. I thought that getting my words out in the open would help relieve some of my stress, but it really hasn't changed anything. I know I can communicate the way I feel better typing or writing than I can with speaking, but damn, I never thought I wouldn't be able to get my own feelings across. It's hard to try and explain things to people when you really have no idea what you want.

Ultimately, all I really want is to feel loved, feel wanted, feel special.
How I feel:
blah blah
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I'm reminescing over the past 5 months and how happy I've been, and aggrivated I've been to the man I love. I've realized years ago that I am the type of person who pushes others away, and I do it not because I think they will hurt me, but because I have no idea what I'm in for. I'm fearful of what could happen, all of the "what ifs." If I could take away the bad things I have done to this man over the past 5 months, we would be blissfully happy, and there would be no hostility between us. We have had numerous, stupid fights that I have caused, and we never seem to resolve them. It's always an "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know what to say." Well, maybe it is me who has to change, and maybe it will take a long time for me to actually do it, but I want to change, I do want to be a better person for him, and for me, so that we can have a happy future together. I want to marry this man, and I know that if I can't be a better person, I wil lose him, like I've lost so many before. And maybe it is because I love, and care for him so much that I get into these stupid little fights with him, because sometimes someones past is a little too much to handle. I have a colorful past, and I make people be ok with it, which isn't right..

His past isn't nearly as colorful as mine, and I know this. It's all so hypocritical, all so one-sided of me. People have a past, and I will have to get past that, realizing that a person's past does not dictate their future. Once I grasp onto that concept, I will be able to love and be loved in return.
How I feel:
hopeful hopeful
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